I just turned 30 yesterday.
I once wished that I could get married and have the first kid before I turn 30---that shouldn't be too hard, right? My dad was able to pull that off.
I guess I am just not that lucky; he met my mom in college.
Speaking of college, sometimes I think my life peaked at the age of twenty. I got almost everything I wanted back then. Maybe except a girlfriend.
十年前我知道自己要做什麼；
我要輔系英語系、我要吹臺北樂府。
我想拉樂團，所以我參加臺大交響。
我想要參與學生自治，所以我參選學生議員，也選上了。
我知道 DCI 二十一歲就 age out, 所以我大三一定要去美國當交換學生，去考 Phantom Regiment, 考不上還可以考 Colts.
我也辦到了。
要出國前她問我，「現在臺灣是SARS疫區，你會不會出不去啊？」
如果當時沒有出去，我可能：
會跟偷偷喜歡的女生告白。繼續拉臺大交響。在師大團契接核心同工。再申請音樂系輔系+英語系雙主修，或單單準時畢業。與同學合作，好好進行專題製作。
扯遠了。
Avenue Q 裡 I wish I could go back to college 有段歌詞是這樣：
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God! I am totally gonna go far!"
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After college it went downhill. I didn't want to "waste" all the credits toward a teacher certificate, so I started the one-year internship as an English teacher. Than I realize I didn't want to be one. And my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I used to use my mom's illness as an excuse for not being brave and adventurous; "I need to take care of her!" I said. That excuse has been invalid ever since she passed away.
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一年多前遭對方怒甩其實有段時間很不好過，現在偶爾想起來也還是。我知道是我不甘在關係中居弱勢的佔有慾，使得我恣意在她面前展現最猙獰的一面。那是一個沒有人喜歡的錢啟方，那是一種回想起來會 kick yourself in the pants 的後悔。大部份的人看到我陽光（？）的一面，卻不知道我內心的驕傲苦毒、總被眼目情慾所勝。
也正是在這種光景下，讓人不得不對救恩有更多的認識：神在你最不可愛的時候，先愛了你。
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去年在ITI, BP最如火如荼之際接到廖主任電話，邀請我去考衛理。我沒有去報名。心想，沒關係，就去找工作吧。
沒料到主任後來直接跳過所有步驟給我offer, 如此看得起我，讓我甘心接聘。
我相信是上帝帶我來的。
我知道我是個把英文教地很無聊的老師；有的時候學生不捧場到很誇張的境界，會打從心底討厭這些硬頸、自以為是、態度極差的小屁孩。
但是感謝上帝，偶爾讓我看到孩子可愛的一面，心情還是調整得回來。
遇到同病相憐（！？）的新進同事，讓我知道不是自己一個人面對種種挑戰，就更有勇氣日復一日與小動物相處。人真的是要有夥伴啊。
最近一年這些經歷讓我似乎更認識自己了些：我很固執，在關係裡不願屈居下風；很喜歡辦同學會，很喜歡與老朋友敘舊。
I also disagree with certain things you do. I am against those things you're doing.
But I still love you.
It's like, my students hate my boring English class, but they still like me :p
把「人」跟「人的行為」分開，有的時候不容易，但還是要努力！
謝謝你們的簡訊、留言、站內信、卡片、歌聲；收到的時候很開心。
So what now? I honestly don't see myself doing my current job 25 years in a row, but I can't say I have a clear clue about other possible paths, either. What I can tell you is, I am going to try new things. I once described myself as an "outgoing, adventurous, fun-loving nice guy" in that video clip for auditioning Fun Taiwan Co-Host---
That Cheevan is still alive and willing to rock n' roll.
當然啦，可能明天惰性就舊情復燃（！），年復一年抱怨小鬼卻又一直待在故宮隔壁。
Happy belated birthday.
