cheevan's thought

I just turned 30 yesterday. 
I once wished that I could get married and have the first kid before I turn 30---that shouldn't be too hard, right? My dad was able to pull that off. 
I guess I am just not that lucky; he met my mom in college. 
Speaking of college, sometimes I think my life peaked at the age of twenty. I got almost everything I wanted back then. Maybe except a girlfriend. 
十年前我知道自己要做什麼；
我要輔系英語系、我要吹臺北樂府。
我想拉樂團，所以我參加臺大交響。
我想要參與學生自治，所以我參選學生議員，也選上了。
我知道 DCI 二十一歲就 age out, 所以我大三一定要去美國當交換學生，去考 Phantom Regiment, 考不上還可以考 Colts. 
我也辦到了。 
要出國前她問我，「現在臺灣是SARS疫區，你會不會出不去啊？」
如果當時沒有出去，我可能：
會跟偷偷喜歡的女生告白。繼續拉臺大交響。在師大團契接核心同工。再申請音樂系輔系+英語系雙主修，或單單準時畢業。與同學合作，好好進行專題製作。 
扯遠了。
Avenue Q 裡 I wish I could go back to college 有段歌詞是這樣： 
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God! I am totally gonna go far!" 
==
After college it went downhill. I didn't want to "waste" all the credits toward a teacher certificate, so I started the one-year internship as an English teacher. Than I realize I didn't want to be one. And my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I used to use my mom's illness as an excuse for not being brave and adventurous; "I need to take care of her!" I said. That excuse has been invalid ever since she passed away. 
==
一年多前遭對方怒甩其實有段時間很不好過，現在偶爾想起來也還是。我知道是我不甘在關係中居弱勢的佔有慾，使得我恣意在她面前展現最猙獰的一面。那是一個沒有人喜歡的錢啟方，那是一種回想起來會 kick yourself in the pants 的後悔。大部份的人看到我陽光（？）的一面，卻不知道我內心的驕傲苦毒、總被眼目情慾所勝。 
也正是在這種光景下，讓人不得不對救恩有更多的認識：神在你最不可愛的時候，先愛了你。 
==
去年在ITI, BP最如火如荼之際接到廖主任電話，邀請我去考衛理。我沒有去報名。心想，沒關係，就去找工作吧。 
沒料到主任後來直接跳過所有步驟給我offer, 如此看得起我，讓我甘心接聘。 
我相信是上帝帶我來的。 
我知道我是個把英文教地很無聊的老師；有的時候學生不捧場到很誇張的境界，會打從心底討厭這些硬頸、自以為是、態度極差的小屁孩。
但是感謝上帝，偶爾讓我看到孩子可愛的一面，心情還是調整得回來。
遇到同病相憐（！？）的新進同事，讓我知道不是自己一個人面對種種挑戰，就更有勇氣日復一日與小動物相處。人真的是要有夥伴啊。 
最近一年這些經歷讓我似乎更認識自己了些：我很固執，在關係裡不願屈居下風；很喜歡辦同學會，很喜歡與老朋友敘舊。 
I also disagree with certain things you do. I am against those things you're doing. 
But I still love you. 
It's like, my students hate my boring English class, but they still like me :p 
把「人」跟「人的行為」分開，有的時候不容易，但還是要努力！ 
謝謝你們的簡訊、留言、站內信、卡片、歌聲；收到的時候很開心。 
So what now? I honestly don't see myself doing my current job 25 years in a row, but I can't say I have a clear clue about other possible paths, either. What I can tell you is, I am going to try new things. I once described myself as an "outgoing, adventurous, fun-loving nice guy" in that video clip for auditioning Fun Taiwan Co-Host--- 
That Cheevan is still alive and willing to rock n' roll. 
當然啦，可能明天惰性就舊情復燃（！），年復一年抱怨小鬼卻又一直待在故宮隔壁。 
Happy belated birthday.

Michael Sandel:

媽還在的時候，有一次住院打化療，我帶娘娘去醫院看她。
(浙江話，音ㄋㄧㄤˇㄋㄧㄤˊ，父親的母親)
 
媽總是選單人房，比較不會被打擾，振興的單人房總在十一、十二樓；

兩么么跟我跟了六年。 大五那年有一個月在大安國中試教，總是拖到最後一刻的我，穿著大學服，跟它在新生南路／和平東路口同一個位置，被罰了三次行駛禁行機車道； 實習那年暑假借給 Luna Fang 去環島。 北安音樂院進修那年，每個週末陪我橫跨大直橋；禮拜五是迫不及待要離開，禮拜天是巴不得拖到最後一刻才回營。 載妹去北海岸告白或是夜衝上陽明山之類，還真是從來沒幹過。 現在家裡不需要三台機車，衡量之後，上個禮拜五把它交給了新主人；監理處裡裡外外跑，不到兩個鐘頭，行照上的主人確定不再是我。 現在我名下沒有車子，也沒有機車。 ==

去年follow瑞典國會改選相關訊息的時候，發現因某些政黨的種族政策，在網路上引起很大的討論；
以下是某個討論串中的一段話，大家可以思考思考，並試反駁之。
==
Victor_D:
The term "racist" lost all its meaning in the past two decades. In my language, when someone is "racist", it means he believes in BIOLOGICAL inferiority of some group of people (blacks, Roma, etc.).
It seems to me than in the English-speaking world, the word has become a generic insult and slander used to keep other people's mouths shut, so that they can't voice their opinion. It reminds me of the smear-words the communists were using in this country to silence their opponents. Anybody who questioned the viability of the socialist system was "enemy of the people" or "mercenary of the American imperialism" or "saboteur", among dozens of other things.
 
In contemporary Western world, all non-mainstream -- meaning non-multicultural -- opinions are dismissed as "xenophobic" or "racist", no matter that such opinions often have absolutely nothing to do with "xenophobia" (irrational fear of something new and unknown) or "racism" (believe in biological superiority/inferiority of certain races of people).
For example, if someone says "I am opposed to further Muslim immigration and I believe that the Muslims who are already here should assimilate to our culture, not the other way round", he's neither "xenophobic" (that would imply he knows nothing about Muslims and is irrationally afraid of them because they're new to the country, not because he has had his experience with them and had rationally come to the conclusion he doesn't like them) or "racist" (Islam is not a race, it's a religious ideology: people can change religion - religion is not innate or biologically determined). Calling him that is stupid and it is an insult to common sense.

美國玩具反斗城賣的Sentinel Prime
之前在網站上預購還免運，USD$44.99, 打個稅就算USD$50好了，台幣比美金1:30好了，最多就是NTD$ 1,500.
但是台灣玩具反斗城定價？
NT. 2,299
就算是一般玩具店打八折
也要NT.1,839
明明就是在中國大陸的工廠製造，運來台灣賣居然比運到美國賣還要貴，
到底是怎樣XD?
是Hasbro總公司對台灣孩之寶大小眼，還是台灣孩之寶拿翹？
同樣是Hasbro在Toys R Us鋪貨，台灣比美國貴這麼多？
另外Lego也是，
最新的海盜船美國玩具反斗城定價USD$131.99, 現在特價USD$105.59 (到5/21/2011止), 同樣免運；
官方定價是USD$119.99
就算用玩具反斗城的原價算，打稅後算你USD$150好了，台幣比美金1:30好了，最多就是NTD$ 4,500.
但是台灣玩具反斗城與各通路定價？
NT. 5,799.
為什麼在台灣買玩具就是像次等人！
又貴又買不到！
Grrrrr......

多多飛走一年了。
還是很想念讓她站在肩膀上，照鏡子；
每天早上第一件事是帶她poop poop;
幾乎總是在我出門的時候喊"阿弘哥哥bye"

喜歡他的，很喜歡他；
討厭他的，很討厭他。
一個老師，若是很有特色，或因課程性質使然，或與學生有很多接觸與討論，常是這樣。

啟方是個兼職的婚禮樂手；
用現在還不會太差的琴藝偶爾在婚宴會場提供live music.

2009是我算是真正開始有工作的一年；一月的時候開始週間每天晚上的家教，二月開始在師大音樂學院當數位影音藝術學程助理。
每天的時間塞滿，週末有樂府與教會/團契，雖然白天的工作常有閒，但耗在那裏不進則退，鬱悶之感不時浮出。
還有，第一次談戀愛。